To The One

I had a dream about you last night. Not the good kind. Not the dream that’s filled with sweet little memories when times were easier and full of laughter. I lost you in this one. It was nothing short of heart-wrenching. I lost you for good. And the sky welcomed you up. The funny thing is, I should be used to the feeling of you going. And I expect nothing less from you, than accepting my absence with grace and gratitude. 

We’ve lost each other a hundred times in this lifetime, and I believe in another, we might’ve found each other. Found each other at peace and comfort and made sweet little memories where times would be easy and full of laughter. There’s no doubt in my mind that we once belonged to each other, somewhere distant and parallel to where we’re planted right now.  

You’re probably thinking, what does this bitch want now. What does the girl that’s been back and forth with me like the sea to the shoreline want now. Nothing. I don’t want anything from you. I hope you’re happy and you’re making memories in a new town and you’ll meet a girl overseas and fall in love. I hope you wake up every morning with excitement in your chest that leaves you wondering ‘What could happen next?’. I hope you’re joyful and bright and shining wherever you’re at right now. I hope you go to sleep with a smile on your face and anticipate tomorrow all the while knowing tomorrow is never promised. I hope you’re having a beer with your friends. And I hope you’re alright. 

This is the part where I apologize. This is the part where I say all the things I never said in hopes that you’ll digest it for what it is. I’m sorry I never made myself available to you. I’m sorry I was the girl of your dreams that turned out to be a nightmare the closer you got to reaching me. I’m sorry I’ve never been the bright and shining penny you could pick and all day, have good luck. I’m sorry it took years of my own hurt and despair to build up the courage to explore what could have been in January. It’s always been a 'not right now’, while you stayed patient watching the clock, wondering when would be 'right now’. I’m sorry you had to deal with all my love affairs and the mess I was making out of my life while you sat back and waited for me to want better for myself. I’m sorry that I blamed everything on timing. When timing is a made-up fucking thing. I acknowledge all the mind-fucks I made you endure. And I never thought you’d beat me at what, reluctantly, was my own game.

In January, I was falling in love with you at my own pace. And that pace was cut short on your departure, canceling a date I had spent 2 hours getting ready, and you going back to her. I don’t blame you. You had endured enough. And I recognize that as a fundamental flaw, I always find myself trying to change. I’m always waiting for divine moments, movie-screen gestures, and God striking me down with lightning just to show me I’m heading in the right direction. As I’ve never had the courage to recognize the power to change and create a life I love, was always within myself. I believe you made the right choices then, leaving me behind. I believe you made the right choice to stop waiting for me to be ready for us. I believe you made the right choice going back to her. I believe you made the right choice leaving us be. I believe you made all the right choices. 

Maybe in another life, it would’ve been us. Hand in hand. Heart and heart. Both feet planted in the doorway, and neither of us ready to run. You would be mine and I would be yours and we’d be that old couple sitting on the porch admiring the simple life. Maybe in another life. Maybe in another book. Maybe a couple of anticipated chapters away when the story finally gets good. Maybe tomorrow, but again, it’s never promised. Maybe one day we’ll bump into each other at the grocery store, and you’re picking up snacks to bring on the boat for your wife and kids. And you’ll tell me the story of how you met their mother. And we’ll stare at each other in awe while trying to tally up the numbers on how long it’s been since either of us was around for each other’s lives and the monumental moments. And maybe one day, we’ll bump into each other at a bar somewhere states away, and greet each other with ease, as if time had never passed. Either way, we’d both be entirely new people. Years have a funny thing of molding us into people we never thought we could be.

And now this letter is getting long with dismay in direction. I don’t know. I’m not wanting a reply. I’m not wanting to hear thoughts. I’m just wanting to get this off my chest & let the world decide. I hope you’re well. I hope you’re happy and healthy and doing the damn thing. And maybe one day, one life, we’ll be alright. We’re all alright. 

With Love & Light,

1.  Love does not hurt

2. Your manipulator can be beautiful. And call you beautiful as well.

3. Vodka doesn’t fix things

4. It’s okay to absolutely crash sometimes

5. True friends stick through the hardship

6. Grande regular iced coffee with coconut milk and cinnamon powder

7. Switch your mentality to “im broken and helpless” to “Im strong and healing”

8. Even pain is for purpose -you’ll realize why you went through what you did

9. Be stingy with your time, love and happiness

10. You are worthy of amazing things

11. Losing people and things is not always a bad thing

12. You can overcome anything

rachiemonster:

“There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

(Source: goodreadss)